It Feels Like Thunder Inside Me

This post began with a journal entry from 5/13/2016, and then I kept adding to it until it could no longer be contained:

"These thoughts are keeping me up, so I need to write them somewhere besides the crowded highways of my brain."

Between work and my personal life, I hear an average of at least two stories -- firsthand accounts -- each week, where victims are blamed and/or blame themselves for traumatic sexual incidents where they were not at fault. My experience is that is is the default for victims to blame themselves -- no matter what they wore, if they were drinking or not, if they were making "good" choices or not. 

For weeks, I have been following stories in the news about sexual assault where the women have been blamed, shamed, and re-traumatized for being violated by men. I have been grateful for Elizabeth Smart's empowering position of advocacy that she has created out of her own devastating trauma (here is one example). 

Yesterday, this story had me in tears. Thankfully, at least half of those were tears of gratitude for this woman's courage, particularly as she expressed it through this letter to the person who attacked her. On a personal note, her words were like balm to my soul. It is so rare to read something that helps the wounded, sexually traumatized part of me, and this woman's words did just that. She gets what if feels like to suffer on the inside without being understood from the outside. She articulates truths that I wish every person on this planet could read and understand - regarding the real effects of being assaulted or sexually violated in any way, at any age.

*A few weeks ago, I heard two devastating stories -- one firsthand from a survivor of an assault, and one about a child (from the perspectives of two adults) -- within a 24-hour period, where victims were punished for behavior. At the very least, these girls needed someone to hug them and tell them how much they are valued. If discipline was necessary for either incident, love clearly needed to transcend any punishment. The first was a child (under age 12) who was caught and chastized by law enforcement for interacting with an online predator. The second story I heard was from a girl - barely considered an adult - who was gang-raped by multiple men.

[*The two stories I mentioned above did not occur in my family or at work, but outside of those spaces, and I have not included identifying details.]
In both cases, there were clearly responsible perpetrators who did not seem to be the focus of being held accountable. I try really hard not to be mean, but my next statement may seem kind of mean if you do not agree with me.

If you believe that recent media attention given to "victim-blaming" in our society is exaggerated or ridiculous, you are wrong . . . and you are adding to the problem by denying it.

It is so insidiously woven into our culture to blame girls and women for causing men to sexually act out-of-control (this is not to diminish incidents where men and boys are victimized, or where women are truly responsible for abusing others), that when women or girls blame themselves for some of these incidents -- including rape, incest, and other forms of sexual assault -- many people go right along with it, adding to the shame for these survivors. I completely understand the discomfort of being in a victim stance, and it is not empowering to remain focused on being a victim. However, to deny it completely, and then to punish someone who has been victimized is a lose-lose-LOSE situation -- for the perpetrator (who needs to go through the process of being accountable), the person assaulted (who often willingly takes the blame), and the system within which these people function (which needs to be challenged to grow and thrive).

I feel a wave of shock and nausea each time a girl or woman tells me that she did something to cause a man to sexually take advantage of her. While this self-blame may temporarily give people a sense that they were able to choose what happened in the situation -- choice that was not a real possibility while being violated -- this act of false empowerment (which is a very understandable response to a traumatic incident) ultimately robs people of real empowerment. It gives denial permission to persist . . . and persist . . . and persist. There is no real control or power present when blame is fearfully swept away from the violator towards the person who is least responsible in the situation.

Sexual assault and abuse will not diminish if you keep pretending they do not exist or are not serious problems. Abuse will not be eradicated if the focus is placed on all of the bad things the victim did to "contribute" to it. Unless there is equal consent between two adults, it really does not matter what the person not in the position of power was doing. The person in the act of attempting to control another takes advantage of some aspect of power - often physical strength combined with assuming a role of authority - and uses that to temporarily make the other person weak. While it may not be real power, the perpetrator has become the violator and the one who needs to be responsible for any damage that occurs. Anything that the victim did before, during, or after the traumatic event becomes insignificant compared to the perpetrator's actions.

In other words, the instant where the person attacking assumes power over another individual, the person being attacked is not responsible for the violator's behavior in any way. The instant the person who violates even thinks about violating another person, it becomes that person's responsibility, and it is that person who needs to be accountable for any behavior that follows.

And yet, a common tendency is to look away from the actual threat, the monster hiding like a small child behind his fading facade of strength. The shrinking man behind the mask, like the Wizard of Oz character, as he is ultimately portrayed in Wicked (the musical that is loosely based on the original story).

It is much more comfortable to point the finger at the person who was attacked - the person who is, while still in fear, often willing to be blamed. She has been exposed in that moment, while the others involved often find a way to hide. How convenient it is to tag the exposed with the red mark of shame. How quickly it halts the process of change that needs to occur instead. That which is not allowed the dynamic process of growth through sunlight, air, and water is more likely to decay than disappear. And so continues a layer of pain beneath the surface, until people are willing to visit those rotting places and clear them out to plant new seeds.

The attitude of denial is emptier than silence, 

and it feels like thunder inside me.

I never, ever grow desensitized to these stories of people (usually from the people assaulted or abused), week after week . . . year after year. Instead, it seems I become less capable of tolerating the wave of emotions that strikes me each time, as if I am being stabbed from behind and deprived of air -- all while the ground is removed from beneath me.

I usually feel that I am able to empower people, one-on-one, without making a public scene. However, I am not able to remain silent about the stories I keep hearing. 

Is there anything I can do to help the child who was blamed for interacting with a person whose intent was to take advantage of her sexually online? What if the system I turn to is the same system that blamed this child for what happened? 

I took a social work class years ago, specifically to increase my knowledge and understanding of how sexual abuse is managed in Utah. I have attended countless workshops that have assured me about specific incentives being implemented to educate and train people in the law enforcement system to develop increased empathy and compassion for people they are called to assist in various crises -- especially where children are involved. I have been inspired by and involved with programs that use ideas like restorative justice, compassionate teaching, trauma-informed care, and so on . . . but this story does not fit into any of those categories.

Many of the stories that have surfaced in the media and that have been shared with me personally feel like they came straight from 1955, and the reality of that kind of time-warp blows my mind. Yet, these continue to be the stories of many, not just a few.

God, please intervene here, if you have any connection to this insanity . . . any way to piece this broken world into something worth keeping it spinning.