Atonement

Atonement

How do I allow it to enter me and heal?

How can it be set at one,

In a space of parts inside me

That battle to stay broken and confused,

Fragmented, continued in disagreement

To maintain the order of their chaos?

And how is it when I have believed,

Fully and with faith, tears streaming down my face

That I could be whole, I have felt more broken and alone

Than before my desperate plea?

And the holes from nails, forced through hands of Jesus

Seem less real than the scars

From holes I have nailed into my face

With my own hands, thousands of times

Screaming a message that does not meet

The need, or the Maker,

or the holes in my heart

Atonement

There was a time I felt it as the truth,

Surrounded by His arms, I let Him in,

Placed my future in His hands,

Believing He would always guide the way

A vision of the infant Christ

Kept me warm in snow,

Blinded by the blizzard and my tears

Having stumbled from my car

Near the summit of a mountain road,

One that should have been . . .

Has always to my knowledge remained closed

Throughout the winter months,

Somehow was open this December night

In the dead quiet of the storm

The clouds parted as I prayed,

To reveal the moon and stars

And the glory of the heavens opened,

The King of Heaven left His throne,

To come to my low place

And rock the cradle of my being

But I wonder now, is that all I could allow

In my state of innocence,

Not yet stricken with the blows and

Messages, conflicted

That have weathered me since then?

As my mortal age has doubled,

The old truth has outgrown its home,

Broken through the mirror of my youth

Into a world of endless truths

And symbols that expand my faith,

Not to justify or deny the old beliefs,

Or to change what can’t be changed,

Dismiss what gives the universe its order

The existence of some universal laws

That when broken lead to consequences,

The need to repair, to be accountable

Those will never be erased

But they are not meant to be contained

In one tight space of worship

Of faith, belief, and truth

That I now understand and see as new,

Emerged from darkness fed by fear

And confusion from the foggy lens

Of a glass darkly, needing to be cleared

Not by an added law or focus on our sins,

But by the careful nurturing of freedom

That we already hold within,

That holds it all together from beyond

That we seek to unearth and integrate

To unveil, and to create

Atonement

Is it a process we each face alone at times?

Is it a weight some of us carry to understand

How it is to be like God?

Or are we wasting time on sacrifice

That a mortal man, also divine and

Not just human as we are,

but nearly complete,

Completed for our sake?

Wisdom has expressed that this denies us

Each of what we need to grow

But I have yet to know

the answer

I have yet to feel the comfort

Transcend the deeper pain, the darkness

Closest to my core

Do I protect it too fiercely?

Is a Savior there?

Or am I the Savior inside myself,

Reaching for power from the space

Of power beyond my own

Reaching into the stars

And among the multitudes of saviors

To find what keeps us spinning

And alive

Atonement

Is it more than one man who gave it all?

Or is He what the Bible claims He is?

I truly want to know and let Him in,

Accept Him for what He gave with love

I also want to accept what drives me from inside

The Savior that toils inside of me

Is it more than a man? Is it uniquely who I am,

Experience and prayers and what I have created,

Summoned from beyond, from the earth and children,

From women and men,

Angels and mystical dreams?

I do not know for certain,

All the sources of my seeking

But I do not doubt that

They are based in Love

The action of allowing it,

Receiving it and giving it,

Beyond all wrongs and pain and justice

Is what makes possible

Atonement

(by Mary Anne, January 22, 2016)