The Unveiling of Faith: Part of My Story

This is just the beginning of a VERY long story that I felt compelled to write as I was entering the real heart of my leaving process, unburdening and unlearning, little by little, the false claims that have claimed me and chained me for decades as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you are interested in reading or hearing more than is included here, please contact me. 

Faith Unveiled:

My Experience of Trauma and Elitism in the Mormon Church

(originally written as an open letter in May 2014, never published, to the LDS Church authorities)

I used to be an uncompromising Mormon, a firm believer in the God I was taught, a loyal follower of traditions passed on to me in my religion. I tried to trust that God with all of my heart, and that God failed me, miserably – no matter how I tried to cling to him. But instead of giving up on God, I discovered that the real God, buried deep inside me, and existing, boundless and limitless beyond me, could not be restricted by the way I was taught. I reach, and I reach for that God with all I have and all I do not feel I have, but desperately want. I am still discovering that God, who is far more glorious and approachable than the vengeful or patriarchal or superior white male being I was taught. And I will reach for this new and ancient, masculine and feminine, timeless God – intuitively, instinctively, beyond all reason – out of a necessity to overcome fear and embrace pure love, until I am able to be in the presence of this Being without shame . . . in the presence of my own Being without shame . . . in the presence of all Being 
without shame          
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I was born and raised a in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, steps from the mountains of the East Bench of Salt Lake City. I am the middle child of five, with two younger sisters and an older brother and sister. My parents both came from Mormon backgrounds, raised by parents who were not very active in the church.  Before they met each other, they each committed to be solid members of the Mormon faith, having felt it an important part of their heritage that they wanted to carry forward into their futures. My parents remained married throughout my childhood, and they are still together now as active Mormons.

In many ways I had a secure and predictable upbringing. I had the same friends throughout my childhood, and the same home to return to when I needed it, from age one until I married at age twenty-three. I accepted the Mormon faith without much concern, and did not experience the hardship many women describe with inequality of gender roles in the church. In fact, my mother demonstrated power in our home by raising us to be independent thinkers, setting an example of working outside the home and serving others in the community. She also provided many opportunities for us to develop talents, and was consistently involved in the activities of our lives. While my dad was certainly a steady influence – especially in working hard, demonstrating compassion, and opening up the wonders of the outdoors to us - it is my mom I think of when I consider who was in control, in and out of my home. I am not able to think of one instance from my childhood where my mother acted submissively towards my father, or where my father acted as if he dominated over my mother. While my parents faithfully accepted callings within the Mormon structure, enabling my father to preside as a priesthood leader in our home and in our ward, I did not feel that my home was dominated by a patriarchal system. Even with the added opportunity my family and I had to interact with apostles and prophets a few times each year, I felt only blessed – not diminished -- by the patriarchal system of the LDS church.

My ward was full of exceptional women – educated, outdoorsy, down-to-earth, warm, and assertive. In fact, my best friend’s mom requested that the Young Women (official name given to Mormon girls, age 12-18) be given the same opportunities as the Boy Scouts to explore the mountains. I also remember being a strong influence, along with my sisters, in getting more girls from our congregation and surrounding neighborhoods into the mountains. Consequently, my father was asked to lead several backpacking trips (including at least one 50-miler) – along with several women -- in various parts of the Intermountain West. Most of our Young Women embraced those opportunities, even if some were hesitant about leaving modern conveniences for days at a time. Truthfully, the fact that we had so many conveniences to leave was part of an underlying problem I was oblivious to as a child.

Honestly, as I look back on my youth, I was extremely privileged in almost every way imaginable. I was so blindly accustomed to that privilege, that I did not recognize the elitism that is a product of living a life of material ease. I did not recognize the emotional poverty I was experiencing as a result of that privilege, combined with a family history that avoided and rejected emotional openness.

However, I continue to be grateful for the values of service, education, and diligence instilled in me by my parents and the Mormon culture. I can truthfully say that I did not feel limited in any way due to my gender - as a girl or a young adult. On the most recent backpacking trip we took with my dad last summer, I brought my two oldest children. By the end of that adventure, my dad was astounded at my ability to remain consistently strong while carrying a 50-pound pack on my 110-pound body-frame and not get sore throughout the entire journey. He also told me confidently that I could lead any group through the mountains on a multi-day trip. That statement from my dad sums up my perception of women as a child – that there were far more opportunities than limitations, and that I could accomplish anything I desired. I carried that perception into my college years, and did not recognize the inequality that actually existed until I learned of other women (mostly from my church) who did not share my experience.

While I have never labeled myself a feminist, I embrace many of the ideals of certain types of

feminism, and I prefer the term humanism. I believe every person is worth having equal 

opportunity. I believe that there has been deliberate, as well as subtle misuse of power by 

men in the Mormon church, as there has been in nearly every culture in the world. I 

sympathize with women who have been dominated, overshadowed, misunderstood, 

misrepresented, and marginalized by the male culture in the Mormon church and abroad. I 

am also sympathetic towards men who have been stereotyped into gender role expectations 

that may not have been suitable for their personalities and needs, or whose capacities to 

nurture, connect emotionally with, create with, and educate children have been 

undermined.

While I have mostly positive memories of priesthood leadership throughout my forty years of association with the Mormon church, I know that there are ways I have been limited as a woman by being a part of the Mormon culture – particularly in Utah. I also recognize my place historically as a woman in the social fabric of the United Sates, considering many of the traditions that contributed to its founding. To deny this is to be ignorant of reality, past and present.  I believe this reality includes the influence of societal norms on the organization, leadership, and decision-making processes in the Mormon church.

I may never have come to these realizations, however, were it not for something terrifying I was bound to eventually discover about myself. I might have remained in a bubble of privileged thinking my entire life, easily dismissing what many consider extreme feminist views, and leaning further into the safety net of my charmed life and my perceived view of a perfectly led Mormon church, where women and men are equally valued. I did, indeed, believe all of this, and trusted fully that the power women hold need not be external. In fact, my guiding principle in considering women’s power within a patriarchal church was a beautiful phrase from the book Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince) by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:  “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.” I still believe this and live by it, considering it a validation of my personal faith, a reminder that what we see physically is not necessarily reality. There is true empowerment in searching beneath and beyond what is tangible to find truth. Absolutely I believe this. However, I have also recognized that inequality– seen and unseen – is being practiced within the walls of the Mormon church. I believe it is not often being addressed in a divine manner, due to the limitations of a culturally-influenced patriarchal system, and the blindness that can so naturally stem from being one of the privileged members of that patriarchy – including female members of that system.

When I am extremely honest with myself, I can now say with truth and sadness that the inequality of gender roles in the Mormon church has been limiting for me . . . 

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Years before I was aware of social media on the internet, and many more years before I became aware of people like Kate Kelley and John Dehlin in the public discourse regarding doctrines and practices of LDS Church, I was experiencing a faith crisis . . . It had nothing to do with searching out anti-Mormon literature on the internet (something I never did and still do not do). In fact, during the inception of my personal crisis, I was quite isolated from the media world, living in a crucible that I considered a type of hell following the divorce from my husband back in 2005.  Let me be clear: I was experiencing a personal transformation regarding my beliefs due to my own experience and interpretation of the LDS Church.

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My personal journey is simply a microcosm of what is occurring in the LDS culture and American society at large. People are speaking out, opening up, revealing their secrets and doubts, and it is making many of the stalwart members of faiths, as well as leaders, rather uncomfortable – even fearful -- as far as I have seen expressed in my own family and community, including on Facebook and in the media. But truthfully, the God I believe in is pleased with this process. It demonstrates courage and progress, and not simply a deterioration of values. While there certainly is a deterioration of values occurring in our society and in the world at large, the painstaking process I witness of many Mormon members – whether they stay in the church or leave it – is something far beyond deterioration. It is exploration, creativity, and ultimately will lead to truth.

If Joseph Smith did indeed receive revelation to restore truth to the earth from earlier times, then it seems like that restoration would still be unfolding, and that the Mormon church has a long way to go before effectively incorporating what it claims to be the “fullness of the everlasting gospel upon the earth.” If what he received was not meant to be the “one true church,” I am open to that reality as well. In time, patient and abiding faith will be unveiled to reveal what is really there. It is a constant process that is not denied any person who seeks it.

I am seeking truth at this time, as I have been for decades. Along my journey I have discovered that dominant male leadership and authority is not effective or comprehensive. Many have lost hope in finding redemption within the walls of the Mormon faith as it is practiced today. Many have left and continue to leave a church that they still hold dear to them on many levels. This is because they do not feel safe, and this is not an easy decision for them.

At the core of my being I want to be involved in a belief community that exemplifies integrity - meaning that openness and honesty are encouraged, and people can feel safe for who and where they are in life. As a member of a religion that claims to be Christian above all else, I sometimes wonder why our leaders often magnify issues that seem so far from the teachings of the Christ I have come to understand in our scriptures. The Jesus Christ I [want to] believe in completely loves each individual, in such a personal manner that any requirement for obedience will be attainable for anyone who truly accepts His love. 

The love will always come first, and is ultimately the reason any of us will be capable (if not worthy) of living in an eternal state of happiness.